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How best do you think he can heal from this? What advice will you give? Share your comments
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omoh!!!!….. the matter HARD!!!
i will write you a long story, please be patient enough to read it.
if you have watched spartacus, this thing happened to a gladiator named varo, but in his case part of it was the gladiators fault. …please find out if in anyway her promiscuity was partly your fault….maybe because of your absence or you did something wrong at a time….that can help you forgive her.
Nevertheless it is only in such situations that the bible permits a man to put away his wife….
The gladiator told his wife something after spartacus spoke to him ….he told her "the child sprang from you and a part of you and i will love it as such"…. you maybe be loving the child cause of the mother…..
My advice …let the both of them go since you don't want the woman anymore
i have too much to say that i can't type…
Who ever you are, Am soo sorry this thing happened to you.
sinzu hope no be our baby " rain " you the speak of
Times like this a man should use his head. He should understand his reality. That child is not his. Weda he likes it or not the child is attached to the mother for life. He can't have one and remove the other. That is his reality. He should just move on. If he wants he can check on the child from time to time but the reality is the child is not his and he can't remove the mom from the child's life.
Forgive the woman if she shows remorse., cos what if the next woman is a serial cheat? Just forgive and let go. For the sake of the child. The child deserves a responsible patent and in this case, it's the "father".
Attachment has been established on a lie. If she has lied about that, what else is there he doesn’t know?
In addition, people change as it’s possible that the kid may want to know her biological father. Will he be able to look at the situation the same?
Also, emotional trauma is real. His response may also be what you call stockholm syndrome. This may be a coping mechanism to the situation.
People develop positive feelings toward their abusers over time. This is something that may have developed without realising it.
He shouldn’t feel the need to be responsible for a situation that is beyond control.
Nonetheless, if he feels that he really wants to be part of the kid’s life, he’ll have to swallow the situation as it is. That or he comes to a compromise with the mother.
As I said earlier, the love he has for the kid was created out of the reality of a lie. Can one still call that pure?
Stories that touch tbh.
If he tells the unfaithful wife that he wants it quits with her and then she agrees to let him keep seeing the girl. FINE
If the wife says he won't see the girl again, HE SHOULD MOVE THE FUCK ON BRO
REAL TALK
I had to watch till the end, to believe that Lasisi wasn’t playing a prank.
That being said, I think he needs to (painfully) put himself first. If (like you said), he’s dying inside cos he can’t stay in the marriage, he should let it go and deal with the consequences. He can try to do his best for the child from afar (IF) her mum doesn’t want his help. Truth is, he might even be assuming that the woman will cut him off. She just might allow him. So he should come first place in his decision, else, he might regret it later in future when she’s all grown and her “dad” shows up and she walks straight into his arms.
Let him face the pain now and love the girl from afar or close (if the mother agrees). He should watch over her from afar.. ensuring she lacks nothing. He can use mutual friends to provide for her. It’s the heart that matters. Yes he will cry and feel his heart break literally, but the hard way is the best way in this case, sadly…
He might also need therapy to be able to deal with this… so sad 😢
My 2cents
Omo it depends on how she feels about it to be honest, if she wasn't the perfect wife to begin with trust me when an argument comes up this whole tragedy will hit you again.
Hell she might even bring it up to attack your weak points.
Not a husband or father so can't say I truly understand how it feels but it should be best to let go and let time heal the pain.
Let your brain decide not your heart
This is quite serious and should be careful with any decision made.
Let's consider the options here
1st: LOVE THE CHILD AND STAY WITH HIS WIFE. To best present this case let's consider what we might see as a less serious case. A woman married to a man with two kids and finds out when the boys are 19 & 12 that her husband has a 2 daughters, 10 & 7 with two different ladies. Most people would ask her to stay. Most women do stay, they forgive the adultery. This is actually a common case in Nigeria that not a lot of people see how seriously wrong it is. There shouldn't be a double standard here. It hurts certainly. But let's consider it from a biblical perspective:
Malachi 2:15-16 "Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth. For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away: for one covereth violence with his garment, saith the LORD of hosts: therefore take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously."
God hates divorce. Some may say the fault is with her it's a terrible thing she did (and yes it very much is a terrible thing), but remember the words in those vows we all make before God on our wedding day "for better for worse". This is WORSE. Consider this scripture too:
Ecclesiastes 5:4-7 "When thou vowest a vow unto God, defer not to pay it; for he hath no pleasure in fools: pay that which thou hast vowed. Better is it that thou shouldest not vow, than that thou shouldest vow and not pay. Suffer not thy mouth to cause thy flesh to sin; neither say thou before the angel, that it was an error: wherefore should God be angry at thy voice, and destroy the work of thine hands? For in the multitude of dreams and many words there are also divers vanities: but fear thou God"
It's actually till death do us part. I'm not diminishing how horrible this situation is and the wickedness of his wife but with every action there is consequences.
Let's consider the Daughter: i think the case for a child being raise by two responsible parents is best for the upbringing of a child. If he truly loves the child he should consider the many women in Nigeria that stay with terrible men because of the love for their child. The thing about LOVE is that it's not about blood. And it actually conquers all. Consider the Love God has for us. Able to accept us no matter how bad we've gone. And we are to do likewise.
Ephesians 5:25 "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it"
Surely dying for her would actually be a worse scenario than actually forgiving her but that is LOVE.
I hope with this few points you don't think I'm siding with the woman. The central point is if he stays with the woman (dealing with the pains and hurt and day by day rising above it in forgiveness) and raise the child in love, that love would in no wise lead to the best outcome for the family most especially the child he loves.
2nd: LEAVE THE WOMAN AND CHILD
if you were expecting a point after reading the above points then you might as well just leave and don't say you "love" the child.
As hard as this may seem, I would say I understand that in all of this mess, the child is the innocent and most affected here. So whatever decisions he will make, it should not in any way hurt the child both now and in the future….
My take on this topic in the past has always been that the child(ren) from such deceitful relationship would remain mine but my relationship with the woman wouldn't remain the same. Now we have a real life scene. I dont even know what to advise him. Should I tell him to keep living with someone he is no more interested in? Maybe that's the only sacrifice he would need to pay to have that girl around him.
He should move on,if he stay with them,the real owner will come some day and he will be able to live without the child that time
This is a very good one Lasisi and I agree with you. People need to be prosecuted for this inhuman act.
I have a cousin that is going through this and he only told me what is going on. He provided everything for her and her family. He don’t lack anything and I mean anything. He can give his soul to her but she did him dirty. He is in therapy now plus alot of bp medicines and mentally unstable.
I always pray to God for restoration in his life.
Myself I am scared to marry like this because all the girls out there ehh, Na God go save person oo.
Country hard, leaders corrupt , insecurity and now this..
Person go run mad for this country.
Me I am very tired of all this bullshit.
It is ver painful 😢
It’s very sad 😞 that this man is in this situation. No one deserves this level of deceit both the man and child. We have had this debate on our YouTube channel few years ago…. DNA testing during pregnancy 🤰🏽 is very crucial (we know it’s a sensitive topic) but some people in the world have become so crazy!!!
Women who indulge in this paternity fraud act is pure evil!!!! 👿 creating life trauma for both the men (victims) in their lives & the innocent children in this mess!!!!
-Firstly, we commend his bravery to open up to you, Lasisi & ask for advice… he is a good man with good intentions for the 4year old child!!!
-Our question is does he know who the wife had this child for? If yes, he needs to have that different conversation with his wife….. why would she do such a thing & what lead to it
-lastly, since he says he loves the 4year old girl, we suggest he follows his heart 💜 & take a decision that will give him peace of mind but not at the expense of his mental health/wellbeing. We wish the man all the best.
I think he should know the child's father, and if he would come for the child, if not, he shuld legally adopt her as his
He should let both the child and mother go because the biological father of that child might reclaim her later on. It is better to face the complete pains now than wait to face it later.
That is hundred and fifty percent a criminal act.
She should be sued or jailed.
Something should sha be done.
How best do you think he can heal from this?
What advice will you give? Share your comments
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Not all women are of this world. Including the kids, they bring into this world. She most likely is succubus or some other evil spirit planted into that man's life to derail his destiny.
The fact that he's so confused about what to do means that the woman has sucked any life or sanity left in him.
God help him.
Any decision would have it consequences, it is his decision to make but d child deserve to know (later age) and great daddy- daughter relationship is special to every girl even if she is not blood/biological.
I dont know what the laws in Nigeria are on this kind of things but He's legally the child father. He is the only father she knows. If theres a law that can alow him full custody of the child and be sperates from the woman, he should pursue it.
That women's actions are in fact a danger to the child.
Therapy simple. Therapy to let go. He didn’t fall in love with the child in one day so he won’t let go in one day either. It’s going to be a process as long as it’s gonna take. So slow detachment it could take years and during the process let the child understand every step of the way. And all this got to happen without the mother’s knowledge. Might seem like a plot of a crazy drama but this is quiet a unique situation.
Omo if he loves the daughter so much I go say make en because of the daughter forgive the wife cuz we all humans and deserve forgiveness
I will advice he seek out ways to understanding what led to this top secret by the woman,
2. Let him seek out therapy to find understand where they both are in the marriage, this i mean to ascertain if in the midst of there is still an atom of love.
3.if he still have that initial love for her then let him forgive her, this the biggest healing tool for this kind of heartbreak.
4. He should consider the future of that child he so love, he should possibly stay for because of the child and seek out ways to get the best out of the entire situation.
Men Men Men!!!! This is a serious warning, Make it an act and culture to always do DNS test for your child immediately the child is born from the hospital, it saves a whole lot of future trauma, even child swap in these hospitals, do not listen to any emotional statement from any human being. As for the man, I will suggest he puts away his emotions and think straight, he is being too emotional here, He should ask him self these questions
1. Is he adopting the child as his own or he just want to take the child because he is emotionally attached ?
2. If the real father now comes for the child now or in the future, will he refuse to give the child to her real father? Or will he tell the man he is emotionally attached ?
He should avoid future heartbreak and let the woman and the child go.
God will give him is own child too.
Peace.✌
I think he can continue to be a father to the child, my only issue is the wife, would he be able to trust her again, can he truly forgive her? If he can't trust her anymore, he can't enjoy love in his marriage, so would he sacrifice his life for this, because he still has a lot ahead of him. A marriage built on deceit, most times would not stand. If he can come to some form of conclusion with the wife to get a divorce and still be in the child's life, he should go for it. I pray God gives him the wisdom to make the right decisions.
My advice to him simply, is just for him to weigh what is most important to him, if he can afford to forgive the lady, just to stay with the baby, i advice he does that, and try and see how he sort out things with the lady, so that he can trust her in the long run.
Very difficult situation indeed! I think he needs to sit & come to an agreement or make an offer with the lady & which is – let’s end this amicably , without noise , I will cover your shame & keep this between us . But in return, you must allow me to remain a part of my “daughter’ s life. Involve a few ‘key’ individuals , sign documents to seal it. He can then focus on healing & moving on… It may sound easier said than done but I think it’s worth trying .
This has different angles that should be looked at critically before any action can be taken. Firstly, how old is the marriage and when was the child conceived? It could be that the lady has been faithful to the man for all the while that they've been married. Some ladies tend to have what i call a closure sex with those that they are involved with before marriage.
Its also possible that the lady doesn't know that this child is not for he husband, that's if the child was conceived before the marriage. If this is the case, then i will advice he has a conversation with her and continue loving the child and the mother and God's willing, she will give him his own blood someday.
In a situation where the child was conceived after their marriage, for his mental health, i will advice him to end the marriage and see a therapist that will help him to live past this difficult time. He can always continue spending time with the child but the sooner he had the conversation with the wife, the better for him.
My opinion though.
This matter is so complex that the first thing your friend should know is that no advice from here is easy.
secondly, he should not afford to show weakness so this situation doesnt break him forever making him a sad man.
Thirdly, he must weigh this situation not on what he is feeling now but on the long term implications.
fourthly, I am proposing some questions that will likely help him make a better decision:
a. Can the love you have for your foster daughter afford you the strength to work things out with your wife?
b. Do you think divorcing your wife will bring you healing? search yourself and work the maths out, if it will den the child will be fine without you
c. Do you think being with that child without the mother will bring any iota of consolation? personally i doubt.
d. do you think in the absence of the mother you are the best thing for that child? keep your feelings out of this one, becux to answer this question properly you cannot afford to be selfish.
Conclusion
I really think these boils down to two great and painful decisions you have to make and that is why you are a leader. It is either you look beyond the hurt and make your marriage work or you move on and never look back.
my suggestion is, seeing that you are confused in this situation shows you have invested so much emotionally to let go not only your daughter but failing to admit even your wife, i think you should look beyond the present hurt and let this rough experience unite you even more to your wife and your daughter. enjoy your forever of ever soothing forgiveness.
shalom 🕊️
Moving on may not be easy but when situations warrant it, one has no choice, not moving on may cause more damage in the long run. He needs to weigh his options and go for what's best for his life. Good decisions are not meant to be sweet all the time but they are worth taking
The maturity of accepting facts is part of the realities an adult must adjust to. If he abandons that child and the mother now, which is the best thing to do, his sorrows would dwell in the short term and vice versa if he takes the other way and kowtows. The brotha should bear in mind that the possibility of fathering more stowaways with that woman is high enough and the likelihood of stowaways reuniting with their biological fathers are on the high side. Oga should save himself now if he does not wish to see himself in the future dragging father title at someone's wedding.
Honestly if you watch those Paternity shows you'd see men breaking down, having a mental and emotional breakdown because of this same issue. I believe he should seek help probably see a Therapist or councilor to help him deal with this. I've heard of some men commiting sucide in such a situation